Let's move to New York, bootleg whores, and fuck with the stars.

I so desperately want to be a resident of New York. Life would be legendary there. I'd no longer be just Nicole, i'd be NICOLE FROM NEW YORK! I'll wear sharp clothes I can't really afford..













…and I’ll live in a 300 square foot loft in the upper east side.













I'll date a man who wears skinny ties, and always looks suave.

















He’d be Jim Sturgess preferably, but I’m not picky…

I’ll be sophisticated and my friends the same. We’ll go to magazine launch parties, galas and drink champagne. I’ll have picnics in central park with my tall, attractive, skinny tie wearing lover. I’ll wear red lipstick and buy Chanel. Eventually I’ll begin to make money from whatever lucrative career I take up, and I’ll use that money and get a bigger upper east side apartment, and more Chanel. I'll also have this most wonderous library loft...












That, or I’ll move to Brooklyn. I already have a mighty fierce accent so that's no problem. I'll live in a 250 square foot room above a hungarian pastry shop.














Truthfully though it'll be half pastry shop, half illegal prostitution ring. Their slogan will be "SEX and a complimentary STRUDEL!"

Either way I think I’ll be ravenously happy.

"Dude, you forgot your cowboy hat!"

As promised, I give you the top 11 reasons I LOATHE Cowboy’s with a fiery passion (the bar, not the people).

Let’s start this with a story. My friends* 18th birthday. It’s a Thursday night, so it’s 25-cent "draft." Draft referring to a mixture of piss and colt 45 siphoned into a large vat and then offered to patrons in Coors light glasses. Tricksters!

So she’s brought to Cowboys by her obviously unsympathetic friends and the second she got into the bar she became angry and distasteful. Atop the anger, she consumed roughly 15 glasses of “draft” and finally became confrontational which is extremely out of character for her, as she generally despises altercation. Well, that is unless it involves stupid people.

Any ways, my friend ended up stealing a beer from one of the tub girls and saying some rather nasty remarks whilst doing it. She was then literally, and I mean literally, thrown out of the club. She proceeded to yell contentious remarks at all the bouncers…basically she told them all to ‘fuck their mothers.’ Not her best moment.

After this she took a seat out on the curb, alone. She was then told that sitting anywhere, in or around the bar was illegal. Illegal she thought? For one, bouncers are not law enforcers, they’re beefy guys with attitude problems, and the curb isn’t owned by the bar, it’s owned by the city. She then began to yell further profanities at the bouncers hoping to wear away their muscular exteriors, but alas, they just threw her coat in her face and sent her on her way.
**
She was eventually rescued by her friends who attempted to get her back in the bar but the bouncers proved to be sharper than she thought; they looked directly at her friends and said, “this ones not comin’ back ever! ya hear!”

Reasons I hate Cowboy’s: A list
1) They allow… no wait… they suggest that people wear cowboy hats year round.
2) They encourage female patrons to wear the lowest possible tops and the shortest possible skirts, which equals nip-slips and twat exposures.
3) They are certain to target males with shoes that aren't fine Italian leather. I guess runners just don’t cut it for line dancing.
4) They’re racist.
5) They give people draft (*see above)
6) When you open their website (I had to…for research!) an insanely loud country song comes blaring through your speakers and sings “I LOVE THIS BAR.”
7) The website also has a nice note from Paul Vickers: “You are the reason that Cowboys became famous. Because of your commitment, support and unconditional loyalty, you have genuinely become the foundation of Cowboys’ legendary existence.” Legendary existence! Fuck that!
8) Paul Vicker’s is the biggest douche bag to ever live.
9) They have hay…in the bar.
10) Their bouncers are retarded cowboy hat wearing fucks who take more steroids than the average female body builder.
11) And last but not least, they have a sign out front saying, and I quote “the most beautiful girls walk through these doors” – HA! How about you try “the whores lost their way to the crack house and ended up walking through these doors”

*There was really no “friend” per se… It was me. I was the terrible drunk girl who told bouncers to fuck their mothers. I thought I’d wait until the end to mention it so to try and keep a smidgen of credibility.
**Other things happened in the time period between the coat throwing and the friends coming...but to save a shread of dignity, i'm just going to say it DID NOT INVOLVE VOMIT.

William Shatner hates hockey too.

I’m not certain what it is about sports that brings out the douche bag in everyone. I didn’t watch the game last night, nor was I really even aware they were playing a game…the Flames that is. I did however find out they won, and not because I inquired, I was just awoken from my post-work, pre-paper writing nap by people that felt the need to honk directly outside my apartment building. Good thing it was cold out, because it subdued the besotted fans from taking over the streets in their corresponding jerseys, yelling profanities, and showing their genitals. Not to mention the honking. Seriously people, honk once, twice, a few times even… I’ll deal, but don’t park your car outside my apartment and lay on your horn for 5 minutes straight… that’s just annoying. Also, don’t rig your car with some high performance horn that belts out the hockey theme song continuously. (Side note: I’m inclined to think that a hockey theme song does not actually exists, but let’s just pretend for arguments sake.)

Furthermore, why do you need 7 games to decide the winner of a series? How about you just play one game like every other sport on this fucking continent…fine, ok, baseball I think has best of 7…and maybe basketball…but I hate those too…so there! Sports are so self-righteous. 1 game works fine for football, and soccer, why can’t it work for you, hockey, baseball and basketball?? The Superbowl comes down to one game, and it’s significantly more epic than watching 7 games. I can just picture the various affluent, elderly sport league owners sitting around and contemplating how they could milk this sucker dry:

“Let’s make it 7 games not just 1!”
“That’s genius! Then people have to buy tickets to at least 4 games, and that’s another 4 plates of Nachos, and at least another 64 beers they’ll need to consume. Because we all know watching sports is only entertaining whilst inebriated”
“JUST THINK OF THE PROFIT!”

Then there’s the red mile. Could you be any more retarded Calgary? Well you could I guess, you could be Edmonton and make up other shitty coloured miles when you have an even less talented team. I think the whole red mile thing is massive propaganda for the city to try and prove to the country our awesomeness. Meanwhile Vancouver and Toronto just laugh at our boring, ugly face. You can’t claim to be awesome if your team loses and your city is vapid wasteland of oil swindlers and boring people. I’d be surprised if the Flames even make it through this series, but if they do I’ll be sure to devise a plan involving balloons, fowl liquid like substances, and my 13th floor balcony. Watch out belligerent hockey fans…I’ll get you!

On another side note, Cowboy’s is opening again, and it’s far to close to my apartment. It’s just going to add fuel to the already massive fire of douche bags infesting our lands. Though, this might aid in peeling the baby prostitutes away from the repulik, which would be nice. Though, you know, I think I might just get a job at cowboys and anticipate the day when they offer me surgically enhanced cleavage and a gold studded cowboy hat!

Stay tuned for a long list of the reasons why I loathe cowboys with an unwavering passion.

I call this one a short list.

1)In recent weeks I’ve been told that I bear a striking resemblance to both Feist, and Cat Power. One group of men was even questioning asking me whether or not I really was Feist, but alas, I shattered all their hopes and dreams of meeting her when they found out I was just Nicole. Though, I think that people are just confused by my bangs. They’re all “Straight brown hair! Bangs! MUST BE FEIST!” Yes, my hair does look a lot like Feist’s and Cat Power’s hair, but this does not mean we have the same facial structure. So, I give you exhibit A:












I'm on the top left incase you were confused by all our similarities, *coughOURHAIRcough*


2)On my daily venture into the world of celebrity blogs, I found out an interesting little piece of info. Not only will Gossip Girl be making its return with all new episodes…there’s a plot twist!! They are going to be adding a GAY character. I capitalized that only to give it prominence, like AWESOME, or NICOLE! Any ways, I’m not sure what to think about this. Are they going to turn one of the characters gay? Or are they going to bring in a new character and make him gay? See, from my coveted knowledge of all things pre-teen, I discovered that, in the book series they make Dan gay. Now, I love the gays, but really? Dan? Can’t we straight girls be left with some good ones?! Now, I’m a little sceptical because obviously Dawson’s Creek was the first teen melodrama to have a gay character…and a lead character at that, and Jack was so fucking rad, so topping him is going to be a mighty endeavour. Seriously, they were SO ahead of the times. Shit. Anyway, I wikipedia’d “gay characters in teen dramas” and was left with very few. There’s Jack or course, Willow and Tara from Buffy, Marissa from The OC, who, might I add was only gay for like 5 episodes, which culminates to what I’d like to refer to as “the writers trying desperately to make Marissa appear interesting.” They failed. She died. I win. Then they mentioned a character from One Tree Hill who they referred to as “Anna: the bisexual Latina!” I can’t even fathom how awesome she’d be. A bisexual Latina! Though, in my head this “Anna” would look more like this Hispanic transvestite I once saw. But she’s probably still cool, and potentially harbours other Mexican transvestites, and offers them a tranquil existence in Tree Hill.

3)I was trying to come up with a list of men over 50 I’d have “relations” with, and I could only think of 3:
3.Daniel Day Lewis. Why? Well, he’s got a chiselled jaw line and a nice set of peepers.
2.Patrick Swayze. Why? Because “he’s like the wind,” and plus, he totally fucking took baby out of that corner.
1.Jim Cuddy. He’s my number one, because he’ll sing me 5 days in may while we canoodle by lake Ontario, in front of a fire, and there’ll be butterflies and puppies frolicking in the near distance. Magic I tell ya.

Our love is, like, so deep.

I’m not the type of person to wear my heart in my blog…or anywhere for that matter. But there are some people out there that do, and their heart is everywhere; their facebook status, their blog, in your face…it’s like you can’t get rid of it. Their depressing forthright sentiments of lost love and found love makes you want to stick a fork through your eye...no, wait, just maybe forcefully press it with a spoon...i'm not that overdramatic. There’s a time and a place people, and your status ain’t one of those! Seriously, write in a journal, a book, make a movie, those are the places where we should see overdone weepy emotions. Anyways, I’ll stop judging, cause I watch Dawson’s Creek, and that’s got to be a big point of contention.

Anyways, I had a point in all this…actually more of a story. In one of my classes we did this exercise where you just write without stopping or questioning or going back, you just write whatever might pop into your head at that very moment. And it was a neat experiment, I guess try to awaken the unconscious thought…something to that extent. So basically mine ended up being a page long talk about bears, their different colours, and how when I go camping I really just wish that a bear would come and chill with us. He’d be wearing duckies and a matching rain coat and be named Chester.

So I was under the impressions that everyones was probably pretty fucking random…but then, post-experiment people were asked to share their work with the class, and the majority of the class had these grandiose statements about the perplexities of life, or ostentations poetry that they claimed “infused their bones” as they wrote. Now I’m not saying those weren’t good pieces of writing, but seriously, do people really think like that all the time?? Like common, we all debate life a lot, and think about love, and the distresses of being alive, but my mind never uses fluffy poetic rhetoric to convey those emotions. It generally just rants, or has one way satirical arguments. I tried the experiment again, but this time decided to make myself think and write like those people…so this is what happened…

I awoke today safe from the perils of life, from the anxiety of uncertainty and from unscrupulous love. I awake and I am lost. I awake and I am free. I dreamt of you last night, you freed me from my neuroses and drove me to light, you said poor girl you’re tired now, you’re in need of a cure, your distraught heart is overdone, and this is a loud of bullshit….

I can’t do it. I feel creepy, and weird, and that my friends is in no way a reflection of how my mind thinks… and plus, I write like shit that way. Some people can express their calamities through big savoury words, but me, I like it simple. So, basically, through that entire thing my mind was really thinking this:

Man that cottage cheese was good. Creamy and fresh, and in a singular little container; like yogort cottage chese, but not, because there wasn’t yogurt…but cottage cheese. Shit. Whoever invented yogort-contained cottage cheese is probably fairly awesome. Fuck, you know what I realized, I don’t know how to spell yogourt…I think I’ve spelt it 16 different ways already. Damn. I should get on that. I do know how to spell ACTIVA though. So maybe that counts.

I think it boils down to the fact that I suck. OR, that I’m awesome, because I don’t have live with a brain that thinks in haikus all the time.

Porky and Buckwheat.

Things I've recently begun to hate:

1. The republik - why - because it's turned into this whore factory where 12 years old girls get fake ids, dress like baby prostitutes and shriek loudly whilst grinding their cooch on some ugly dudes thigh. Then they produce the boys, most no more than 13, with popped collars, white suit coats, hair gel, and a singular diamond earring. I hate them all. I did however find some entertainment in outwardly mocking them, and turning down their collars, but that was all. It's too bad that the republik took this sad turn, because now the name is completely destroyed and everything it once stood for is abolished into a mess of hair gel, and syphilis. So, to conclude, I’ve made a promise to myself to never step foot in that godforsaken whore house they like to call a bar, for if I’d want my spirit sucked out of me, I’d die.

2. Pompous, pretentious assholes. Yes. I hate them, and their attitude. I guess this isn't a recent discovery, but more of a need to declare it.

Things I've begun to love:

1. HEROES! Claire! Peter Petrelli! HIRO NAKAMURA!
2. The looming prospect of summer! I can't wait for it. I want to quit my job, go to disney world, camp, drink on my balcony, road trip, and maybe even sneak into gated swimming pools after hours.
3. Celery! There’s so much you can do! You can put peanut butter and raisins, or cheese whiz, or just some ranch dip; the possibilities are endless!

Another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults.

Well i've officially seen more of the mayor than anyone should ever see. That's right, the mayor in spandex...not a proud moment. Apparently he's friends with the man that lives in the penthouse of the building I work in. I'm certain they just meet up, sit around in spandex, and make shady deals. Then they jog.

Sasquatch line up comes out on monday. I'm fairly stoked, as the cure are already confirmed, and apparently REM, the national and modest mouse are basically confirmed. God, i love the national. I'm hoping Jose Gonzalez plays as well...I think that would make my summer...it would be just a full set of beautiful, beatiful, soft loving perfection.

I've got an idea...lets eavesdrop!

So I came across this site called "Overheard in New York" and the concept is fairly simple...people overhear people saying retarded things, and then send them in to the site and they post them using blantant stereotypes to describe the stranger. It's basically a documentation of peoples stupidity. Sadly, I spent a good hour reading it...and here are some of my favorites...

Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
Old man: Sure.
Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the fuck you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the fuckin' liquor store! ... I said, the fuckin' line fo' the fuckin' liquor store! You fuckin' retarded? I said the fuckin'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor!
______

Queer boy: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job... I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized -- she may have an awesome job, but she's never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.
______

Teen girl #1: Where did the stereotype that blondes are dumb come from?
Teen girl #2: Poland.
______

Woman on cell in bathroom stall: Well, shit, I wouldn't had his baby if I'd known he was on drugs! Hang on... No, I'm in da bafroom. Da bafroom! Ok, later.
______

Woman #1: I know he be my baby's daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin' the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain't got no teeth eitha'.
______

Dude: ... So I'm, like, sitting there and she just keeps staring at me! So you know what I did? I threw my pizza crust at her forehead... And she started to bleed! I mean, that was some hard pizza crust, man! And you know what did said? Nothing! She just kept staring!
______

Drunk sunbather: Have I told you I hate kites? I just hate them. They make me want to vomit. Also, I don't like adjectives, so don't call this a 'tasty sandwich.'
______

Mother to toddler: Baby, don't cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn't tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You're going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.


One final note: Hellga is totally DOPE!

A New York Christmas...

I can’t even begin to describe how amazing Christmas is in New York. The magic was palpable. Christmas morning we woke up, opened presents, had breakfast then hopped on a plane to New York…flyin first class! It was me, my aunt and uncle, my sister and my cousin, and we were the only people in first class, it was great. We got a gourmet meal, legroom and all the alcohol we wanted.

We arrived in New York at 7 their time so we went to our hotel, which was a highlight, but more about that later, we got changed and went out for Christmas dinner. After dinner we went to the tree in Rockefeller!! It was sooooo pretty, I felt like such a dork because I was taking pictures like a mad woman and had this massive smile on my face. Not to mention we could see half of the tree from the window of our 48th floor hotel room! The Palace hotel where we stayed is also where they shoot a lot of the scenes from gossip girl. One of the people that worked there fulfilled my 14-year-old fantasies and took my reluctant family and me on a tour of where they film! I found a clip on youtube that shows the front of the hotel so nice and Christmasy!



So the next day we got up early and shopped all day, as it was boxing day. We went to Chinatown and bought hoards of fake purses in the sketchiest joints ever. My favourite was this little Asian woman that came up to us and asked if we wanted to see the showroom they had, so we followed her for a couple blocks, it to an alley way, past a fist market, down some stairs, and first she had to walkie talkie the guy and make sure the coast was clear before she let us in. It was disguised as a children clothing store and then you walk in there and the lady opens this secret door. Fuck, it was the funniest shit ever, but they had the nicest knockoffs I’ve ever seen. Then my uncle opened the door to leave and the little Asian woman yelled so loudly and slammed the door and then yelled that she needed to radio out before we could leave because the police might see. Periodically I’d burst out in fits of laughter while in the showroom because it was unbelievably sketchy.

Then we went out for dinner and over to the tree once again. Then the next day, our last one, me and my sister tried to hit all the tourist sites, we took the subway everywhere, which was wicked, and we saw grand central, the met, central park, and ground zero. We missed the empire state building, but there was just not enough time in the day. We went to see the Lion King that night which was SO amazing, holy. Then we went out to eat and then out to time square to look around. New York is beyond amazing… I can’t even describe it.

Then off to Mexico where we family bonded for 7 straight days. Lots of alcohol flowed, and we engaged in far to many full contact sports. Sadly, bad weather, ant bites and Mexican flu were also a part of it, but that didn’t stop us from continually partying. And that my friends was how I spend my Christmas holiday’s.

Your angst needs proper syntax.

HOLY SHIT. I’ve just come across the single worst group of people in existence. I decided to sign up for one of those playlist things you put on your facebook, so I’m going to sign in and at the bottom there are pictures of people that already have playlists. This one girl intrigued me so I clicked on her. Firstly her name was “x_emo_boy_lov_x” and her picture was absurd, I can’t even describe the utter emo-ness of it. I tried to copy it on here, but it wouldn’t work. So I went to her page, and low and behold I entered I world to which I’d wish I never had.

First, let’s read her bio…

“i‘m so lonley.
i have a boyfriend, but he is always gone,
so i cant ever see him.
i hate going to school.
i am always left out.
its not easy having two friends thast ignore you for eachother.
i am always in the shadows.
my homelife is unbarable.
IT SUX ASS!
man do i get treated like shit.
i am emo...please dont judge.
and yes i cut my wrists the other night, but thats not
the only reason that i am emo.
my only escape is my music.
i love music. it is my life.
there isnt really anything interesting in my life.
well, i think you get the point.
my life sux and that is all there is to it.”

FUCK. This shit is GOLD. Solid. Fucking. Gold. This girl is one of a kind. I’m sorry, I hate to be mean, but seriously this is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever read. I laughed hysterically for a good 15 minutes about it. I think my favourite line is “i am emo...please dont judge. and yes i cut my wrists the other night, but thats not the only reason that i am emo.” Poor girl, suffering through all the trials and tribulations that every single fucking teenager faces. Get a grip honey, and a life, and stop vying for attention.

Seriously I had no idea these kids still existed. They do though, in mass, despicable quantities. I was so interested in this small girl that I decided to check out her “buddies” and low and behold I found SO much good shit.


First we have this boy, he’s 16 and wearing no shirt in his profile picture. His name is “Daviee loves Chelsea”

Here’s what his bio had to say:

“I LOVE EVERY SINGLE 1 OF U THAT ACTUALLY LOVE ME 4 WHO I AM NOT CUZ I'M HOTT!BUT I LOVE U GUYS!!!!!!!N I HOPE THE BEST 4 ALL OF U GUYS! N CHELSEA I WAS'NT CHEATING U COULD ASK ANY1 U WANT!I KNOW I DID'NT BUT IS NOT LIKE U BLIVE ME RIGHT?BUT I WANNA WISH U THE BEST IN THE WORLD N IF I EVER HURT U IN ANYWAY I'M SRRY I LOVE U N ALWAYS WILL U STIL MEAN THE WORLD 2 ME N AFTER ALL THIS IM GOING BACK 2 DRUGS!SO...I'LL DIE PRETTY SONE SO I'M NOT GOING 2 MAKE UR LIFE A PIECE OF SHIT DON'T WORRY!WELL U HAVE A HAPPY LIFE LOVE U!BABy!”

Just because you’re “sad” doesn’t give you permission to use improper spelling. And do you seriously have a penis? Because judging by this pathetic declaration I’m guessing you lost it, along with your ability to be coherent. Also, why the fuck are you wearing your heart in your bio?! No one fucking cares that you did drugs and that you’re not going back. Nor do they care that you cheated on your internet girlfriend, and that you’re going to die “sone”…god, I can only hope this is an avowal of suicidal intentions. How much fucking attention do you need?!

So his girlfriend, the one he didn’t cheat on, she left him this endearing post:

“heyllo lovey!! ^-^ i writed a poem...its kinda deppressing...=| ubt its still perty good... i posted it on my blogs under ~LOVE+HATE~ yup...lolz LOV YOOH!!!”

Ok, first of all little one, you “writed” a poem?? What are you, 3?! I’m just certain it’s the fault of the government for allowing these kids to spell like chimpanzees. “LOV YOOH” Holy shit. I’m going to assist these children in slitting their wrists because by the time you’re 17 you should stop talking like a retarded fuck.

Just wait though, the girlfriend gets even better…

Her bio:

“OH MI GAWD!!!!!! frenchtoast raped you....o.o
Im 16 and yes im emo.
IM IN LOVE WIT SUMONE!!!! waffles.....o.o
I LOVE Hello Kitty, she is emo! lol. dont make fun of me she is a cute emo kitty and she is awesome! Hello Kitty rox yur sox off!”

First of all, Hello kitty is not emo, she’s asian, and secondly, jump off a ladder and minimally injure yourself. Maybe a little pain will be your answer to life’s most basic queries.

I’ve never wanted to hurt a group of innocent youngsters like I do right now. I cannot believe people actually talk/write like this. My heart hurts thinking how horribly they are destroying the English language with their god-forsaken slang. I don’t know if you can even call it slang.

I spent a good solid hour going through different kids profiles and they were all the same shit. At first I though, maybe it’s just a joke, no one’s actually like this…right? But no, no, they really are like this, and there is a whole community of them out there just waiting to slit their wrist and spell improperly. The saddest part is that most of the kids I found were from Canada.

So I thought 15 year old emo kids were bad. No, there are worse… 37 year old Chris Brown fans...

“DIS B YA GURL KRYSTAL A.K.A LA LOCA B.K.A SEXY RICAN. REPIIN DA HAVEN ALL DA ER-DAY.IM HALF PUERTO RICAN AND HALF CUBAN IM ALSO PART MEXICAN.OOOOOO YEA TO ALL DA HATAZ OUT IN DA WORLD DAT BE HATIN ON ME N MY HOMEGURLN OR MY HOMEBOYZ FALL BACK AND KEEP HATIN WE ARE LOVIN DA ATTENTION YALL ARE OUR BIGGEST FANS.YALL TALK SHIT AND CAN'T BACK WAT YALL SAID ^ BUT ME N MY GURLZ ALWAYS SAY WAT CUMS 2 MIND AND WE COULD BACK ER-THING UP.WE HAVE EACH OTHAZ BACK EXSPECIALLY MIS CHOLAS I LUV DEM 2 DEATH.WELL DATS WAT I HAVE 2 SAY 2 ALL MY HATAZ OUT DURR IN DIS WORLD”

***Nothing was edited or changed. I solely copied and pasted. I’m sorry to anyone I stole writing from. Yes, this is most certainly a violation of FOIP, but you put it out there for the world to see, and I saw it, and therefore stole it. If you’d like to speak with me regarding your stolen words, message me, but please for the love of god use vowels, punctuation, and a dictionary. Otherwise I’ll just laugh at you, and post your email, so your stupidity can once again shine.