I'm 500 meter dashing it to Europe!

After one failed interview attempt, I’ve given up on trying to find a job. That’s right, I’m that lazy. No, really though, they basically told me that my dreams of becoming a journalist are few and far between. First, I have to go back to school for at least another 2 years. That’s right, because 5 and a half weren’t quite good enough. When I finally get out of school I’ll have competed 7 and a half fucking years of post secondary. I COULD’VE BEEN A DOCTOR!

Anyways, then I’ll be right back at the bottom drudging away to find an internship where I’ll make… wait for it…$8.40 an hour. That’s right, I’ll be making $5.60 less than what I make at my current place of employment. AND, the best part, I’d actually have to do shit! Then, upon completion of said internship, I’m not even guaranteed a job! And even if I do get a job I’ll probably only make 30,000 dollars a year. (This is what she told me in the interview, like, how friggen depressing is that?!) Want to know how much that works out to an hour? $15.62.

Boy oh boy! I can’t wait to have 7 and a half years of schooling and 2 degrees behind me and then make a whole 1.62 more than I do right now!

I think I might just become a lifer here at my nice little concierge job. The title sounds pretty cool so why not, right? This way I figure I’ll have time to actually write blogs, and maybe, just maybe, someone will see my little publication here and think “boy, that Nicole’s marginally funny, maybe we’ll pay her to continue writing random, useless personal anecdotes.” Bingo! I’ll have it made.

But because life doesn’t ever do shit like that for me, I’ve decided to run away to Europe. I’ll come back of course, but the whole thing sounds so much crazier if I say I’m running, sprinting even. Oh, I like that. I’m sprinting away to Europe! I’m going to pack my backpack, hop on a transcontinental flight, and fall in love with some buildings. Oh, and I’ll drink. A lot. Because if drunkenly traipsing through Europe can’t set my life in order, I don’t know what will.

Angsty teen love is so hawt.

I'm really worried for teenage girls right now. Their visions of love are probably incredibly skewed and idealistic. Hell my visions of love are skewed and idealistic, but that’s mostly a result of teenage melodramas occupying my formative years. I’m probably just as guilty as they are for absorbing myself in dreams of whirlwind romances and youtube-montage-inspiring love, but I’m apt to think there is something doing even worse things to the fickle teenage girl heart. The culprit you ask? Twilight.

Now, I began reading the book because the hype was inescapable. My 13-year-old niece and my 23-year-old friend couldn't get enough, and the conversations I had with both were almost identical. They both said something along the lines of:

"OMG TWILIGHT IS SOOOOOO GOOD! I LOVE EDWARD! OMG! I WANT AN EDWARD! OMG! YOU HAVE TO READ IT! OMG! I READ ALL FOUR BOOKS IN A WEEK!"

I was convinced; I had to read these books and I was almost certain I was going to fall in love with them. I'd then become deranged, obsessive, and google Robert Pattinson on a daily basis. I'd join every Twilight devoted facebook group and glitter glue "I heart Edward Cullen" onto my faded jean jacket... but I never did.

First off, the book is poorly, poorly written. And not only that but why does she consistently try to interject big frilly words into her shitty writing? It doesn't make the book sound sophisticated. Like how many times can you possibly use the word “incredulous”?! IT’S NOT EVEN A GOOD WORD! Just think how many teen girls are going to start using the word “incredulous” in their papers about polar bears or the West Indies. The answer is many.

I also couldn't deal with how insanely unrealistic their love was. Really Bella? You were completely and irrevocably in love with him after 6 fucking days?! You were willing to DIE for someone you knew for mere months?! God. Give me an effing break.

And then there's Edward. If I could give 13 year olds any advice it would be that no man is like Edward (well maybe there’s 3 or 4, but they’re probably gay). You'll probably never find a ridiculously HAWT god like chiselled rich boy that wants only you and says the most perfect things at the most perfect times. He's not going to spend an entire day asking you questions about yourself, nor will he fall head over heels in love with you in 6 fucking days and tell you so. HE WON'T, OK! Just like he's never going to take you sailing for an entire summer or brush your hair before you have sex by a fireplace. It just won't happen, so give up the dream.

Granted in the book he's what, 100 some years old? So I guess he existed in a time where chivalry meant something, and as much as I want it to still, it doesn't anymore and teenage girls need to understand this. If he were actually a 17-year-old boy he would've already fucked Bella silly.

I will admit right now that a good part of me enjoyed reading it and I definitely found myself consumed by it. It was seductive, yes, and strangely addicting. And now I'm just so involved that I NEED to find out what happens. Will he make her a vampire?! Will they finally bone?! I friggen hope so!

I guess it is a teen romance so I probably shouldn’t spend too much time tearing it apart, but for the love of pete we need to think of the children! THE CHILDREN! I can't have my niece waste 30 years of her life looking for the Edward she might never find.

But hey, what the hell do I know anyway? Maybe the universe will send me an Edward to prove me wrong.

God, let's hope.