Let's move to New York, bootleg whores, and fuck with the stars.

I so desperately want to be a resident of New York. Life would be legendary there. I'd no longer be just Nicole, i'd be NICOLE FROM NEW YORK! I'll wear sharp clothes I can't really afford..













…and I’ll live in a 300 square foot loft in the upper east side.













I'll date a man who wears skinny ties, and always looks suave.

















He’d be Jim Sturgess preferably, but I’m not picky…

I’ll be sophisticated and my friends the same. We’ll go to magazine launch parties, galas and drink champagne. I’ll have picnics in central park with my tall, attractive, skinny tie wearing lover. I’ll wear red lipstick and buy Chanel. Eventually I’ll begin to make money from whatever lucrative career I take up, and I’ll use that money and get a bigger upper east side apartment, and more Chanel. I'll also have this most wonderous library loft...












That, or I’ll move to Brooklyn. I already have a mighty fierce accent so that's no problem. I'll live in a 250 square foot room above a hungarian pastry shop.














Truthfully though it'll be half pastry shop, half illegal prostitution ring. Their slogan will be "SEX and a complimentary STRUDEL!"

Either way I think I’ll be ravenously happy.

"Dude, you forgot your cowboy hat!"

As promised, I give you the top 11 reasons I LOATHE Cowboy’s with a fiery passion (the bar, not the people).

Let’s start this with a story. My friends* 18th birthday. It’s a Thursday night, so it’s 25-cent "draft." Draft referring to a mixture of piss and colt 45 siphoned into a large vat and then offered to patrons in Coors light glasses. Tricksters!

So she’s brought to Cowboys by her obviously unsympathetic friends and the second she got into the bar she became angry and distasteful. Atop the anger, she consumed roughly 15 glasses of “draft” and finally became confrontational which is extremely out of character for her, as she generally despises altercation. Well, that is unless it involves stupid people.

Any ways, my friend ended up stealing a beer from one of the tub girls and saying some rather nasty remarks whilst doing it. She was then literally, and I mean literally, thrown out of the club. She proceeded to yell contentious remarks at all the bouncers…basically she told them all to ‘fuck their mothers.’ Not her best moment.

After this she took a seat out on the curb, alone. She was then told that sitting anywhere, in or around the bar was illegal. Illegal she thought? For one, bouncers are not law enforcers, they’re beefy guys with attitude problems, and the curb isn’t owned by the bar, it’s owned by the city. She then began to yell further profanities at the bouncers hoping to wear away their muscular exteriors, but alas, they just threw her coat in her face and sent her on her way.
**
She was eventually rescued by her friends who attempted to get her back in the bar but the bouncers proved to be sharper than she thought; they looked directly at her friends and said, “this ones not comin’ back ever! ya hear!”

Reasons I hate Cowboy’s: A list
1) They allow… no wait… they suggest that people wear cowboy hats year round.
2) They encourage female patrons to wear the lowest possible tops and the shortest possible skirts, which equals nip-slips and twat exposures.
3) They are certain to target males with shoes that aren't fine Italian leather. I guess runners just don’t cut it for line dancing.
4) They’re racist.
5) They give people draft (*see above)
6) When you open their website (I had to…for research!) an insanely loud country song comes blaring through your speakers and sings “I LOVE THIS BAR.”
7) The website also has a nice note from Paul Vickers: “You are the reason that Cowboys became famous. Because of your commitment, support and unconditional loyalty, you have genuinely become the foundation of Cowboys’ legendary existence.” Legendary existence! Fuck that!
8) Paul Vicker’s is the biggest douche bag to ever live.
9) They have hay…in the bar.
10) Their bouncers are retarded cowboy hat wearing fucks who take more steroids than the average female body builder.
11) And last but not least, they have a sign out front saying, and I quote “the most beautiful girls walk through these doors” – HA! How about you try “the whores lost their way to the crack house and ended up walking through these doors”

*There was really no “friend” per se… It was me. I was the terrible drunk girl who told bouncers to fuck their mothers. I thought I’d wait until the end to mention it so to try and keep a smidgen of credibility.
**Other things happened in the time period between the coat throwing and the friends coming...but to save a shread of dignity, i'm just going to say it DID NOT INVOLVE VOMIT.

William Shatner hates hockey too.

I’m not certain what it is about sports that brings out the douche bag in everyone. I didn’t watch the game last night, nor was I really even aware they were playing a game…the Flames that is. I did however find out they won, and not because I inquired, I was just awoken from my post-work, pre-paper writing nap by people that felt the need to honk directly outside my apartment building. Good thing it was cold out, because it subdued the besotted fans from taking over the streets in their corresponding jerseys, yelling profanities, and showing their genitals. Not to mention the honking. Seriously people, honk once, twice, a few times even… I’ll deal, but don’t park your car outside my apartment and lay on your horn for 5 minutes straight… that’s just annoying. Also, don’t rig your car with some high performance horn that belts out the hockey theme song continuously. (Side note: I’m inclined to think that a hockey theme song does not actually exists, but let’s just pretend for arguments sake.)

Furthermore, why do you need 7 games to decide the winner of a series? How about you just play one game like every other sport on this fucking continent…fine, ok, baseball I think has best of 7…and maybe basketball…but I hate those too…so there! Sports are so self-righteous. 1 game works fine for football, and soccer, why can’t it work for you, hockey, baseball and basketball?? The Superbowl comes down to one game, and it’s significantly more epic than watching 7 games. I can just picture the various affluent, elderly sport league owners sitting around and contemplating how they could milk this sucker dry:

“Let’s make it 7 games not just 1!”
“That’s genius! Then people have to buy tickets to at least 4 games, and that’s another 4 plates of Nachos, and at least another 64 beers they’ll need to consume. Because we all know watching sports is only entertaining whilst inebriated”
“JUST THINK OF THE PROFIT!”

Then there’s the red mile. Could you be any more retarded Calgary? Well you could I guess, you could be Edmonton and make up other shitty coloured miles when you have an even less talented team. I think the whole red mile thing is massive propaganda for the city to try and prove to the country our awesomeness. Meanwhile Vancouver and Toronto just laugh at our boring, ugly face. You can’t claim to be awesome if your team loses and your city is vapid wasteland of oil swindlers and boring people. I’d be surprised if the Flames even make it through this series, but if they do I’ll be sure to devise a plan involving balloons, fowl liquid like substances, and my 13th floor balcony. Watch out belligerent hockey fans…I’ll get you!

On another side note, Cowboy’s is opening again, and it’s far to close to my apartment. It’s just going to add fuel to the already massive fire of douche bags infesting our lands. Though, this might aid in peeling the baby prostitutes away from the repulik, which would be nice. Though, you know, I think I might just get a job at cowboys and anticipate the day when they offer me surgically enhanced cleavage and a gold studded cowboy hat!

Stay tuned for a long list of the reasons why I loathe cowboys with an unwavering passion.

I call this one a short list.

1)In recent weeks I’ve been told that I bear a striking resemblance to both Feist, and Cat Power. One group of men was even questioning asking me whether or not I really was Feist, but alas, I shattered all their hopes and dreams of meeting her when they found out I was just Nicole. Though, I think that people are just confused by my bangs. They’re all “Straight brown hair! Bangs! MUST BE FEIST!” Yes, my hair does look a lot like Feist’s and Cat Power’s hair, but this does not mean we have the same facial structure. So, I give you exhibit A:












I'm on the top left incase you were confused by all our similarities, *coughOURHAIRcough*


2)On my daily venture into the world of celebrity blogs, I found out an interesting little piece of info. Not only will Gossip Girl be making its return with all new episodes…there’s a plot twist!! They are going to be adding a GAY character. I capitalized that only to give it prominence, like AWESOME, or NICOLE! Any ways, I’m not sure what to think about this. Are they going to turn one of the characters gay? Or are they going to bring in a new character and make him gay? See, from my coveted knowledge of all things pre-teen, I discovered that, in the book series they make Dan gay. Now, I love the gays, but really? Dan? Can’t we straight girls be left with some good ones?! Now, I’m a little sceptical because obviously Dawson’s Creek was the first teen melodrama to have a gay character…and a lead character at that, and Jack was so fucking rad, so topping him is going to be a mighty endeavour. Seriously, they were SO ahead of the times. Shit. Anyway, I wikipedia’d “gay characters in teen dramas” and was left with very few. There’s Jack or course, Willow and Tara from Buffy, Marissa from The OC, who, might I add was only gay for like 5 episodes, which culminates to what I’d like to refer to as “the writers trying desperately to make Marissa appear interesting.” They failed. She died. I win. Then they mentioned a character from One Tree Hill who they referred to as “Anna: the bisexual Latina!” I can’t even fathom how awesome she’d be. A bisexual Latina! Though, in my head this “Anna” would look more like this Hispanic transvestite I once saw. But she’s probably still cool, and potentially harbours other Mexican transvestites, and offers them a tranquil existence in Tree Hill.

3)I was trying to come up with a list of men over 50 I’d have “relations” with, and I could only think of 3:
3.Daniel Day Lewis. Why? Well, he’s got a chiselled jaw line and a nice set of peepers.
2.Patrick Swayze. Why? Because “he’s like the wind,” and plus, he totally fucking took baby out of that corner.
1.Jim Cuddy. He’s my number one, because he’ll sing me 5 days in may while we canoodle by lake Ontario, in front of a fire, and there’ll be butterflies and puppies frolicking in the near distance. Magic I tell ya.