The tale of my journey through Europe.

After 3 intense weeks of train catching, sightseeing, partying, and skip-bo playing, I’ve finally returned home from Europe. I had a blast to say the least, and now I’m dreading being home. Though, I can’t imagine spending another week living out of my backpack; it would have undoubtedly killed me. I seriously don’t understand how people backpack around for 6 months. I’d feel so incredibly dirty all the time…in more ways than one! WHAT UP!

Anyways. I’ve decided instead of posting a very long drawn out tale of all the places I saw and things I discovered, I’m going sum up every place I went in one line. Ok. Go.

Paris – I didn’t like it the first time, and it provided me with nothing better this time round. Leaving it was the highlight.

Nice – I want to live here in a marvellous French villa overlooking the ocean with my insanely attractive French lover. We’ll spend our days writing our respective bestsellers, eating cheese and he’ll help me with my French.

Barcelona – Fell in love with this city and drank dehydrating Spanish beer with some amazing new friends. Discovered that Spanish men are ridiculously attractive. I want to bone them all.

(I know what you’re thinking, “Nicole you idiot, you’ve gone WAY over your one line limit!” So you know what, because I can, I’m changing my limit. UNDER 10 LINES. GO.)

Bern – 13 Canadian dollars for a McDonalds meal! PREPOSTEROUS! This is how I’ll forever remember Bern. It was also quaint and relaxing, a great place for skip-bo and German language MTV. (That should totally be their slogan.)

Prague – Wanted to swim naked in the Danube but sadly my dreams of re-enacting my favourite Mandy Moore film were crushed with that dreaded season commonly referred to as winter. So much beauty and cheapness in Prague, I loved it all. Absinth even allowed me to invent a new language called Henglis. And its motto: Bringing last letters to the forefront.

Berlin – I had a fabulous, party hard time in Berlin. We met a handful of really interesting people and even though there was a certain incident with a certain German boy, it was all worth it.

If you’re curious about said incident, it basically boils down to this: 18 year old German boy and an ugly stupid girl are dry humping and making out in a very empty bar (they literally started making out after knowing each other for 6 minutes). Once finished, girl looks terrified and tries to signal her friend. Friend doesn’t respond because friend (who’s equally ugly) is trying to hit on cute British boy. So I, being a fucking good Samaritan, whisper in ugly girls ear “do you need help getting away from this guy.” She then yelled “yes” pleadingly in my ear and proceeded to grab me in the most consuming hug I’ve ever been apart of.

While we were hiding out in the washroom the crazy German burst in and proceeded to scold me in broken English for taking away his woman. Finally, upon returning to the dance floor he then decided it appropriate to call me a “dumb bitch” over and over. I replied with a “listen here fuck head, don’t you ever call me a dumb bitch again! SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU, SHE THINKS YOU’RE AN ASSHAT!” The language barrier really didn’t help because his weak English didn’t understand what I was trying to say. The ugly girl then proceeded to hit on another dude, and, if I could take a wild guess, I’m going to assume she made out with him too and then realized her mistake after it was too late. I’m not really sure why I took all that abuse to save her dumb ass. Ah well, hopefully I’ll get some kind of karma point out of it.

The next night he decided to follow our group around again, but this time he thought it appropriate to hit on me in the creepiest way possible. There was a mutual dislike of the creepy German shared amongst the people in our group, but no one knew how to make him go away. I won’t be surprised if he ends up in jail for rape charges in a few months. Dink.

That explanation turned out to be a lot longer than expected. Sorry.

Besides creepy 18-year-old German rapists, Berlin was, again I say, amazing. Recent and compelling culture and crazy industrial techno clubs that open at 2am...what more do you want!?

Amsterdam – I don’t really know what to say about Amsterdam. I think I thought I’d have more fun there. Lots of pot was smoked though. Oh, and I turned 23. Man, I’m old.

Nottingham – The last leg of my journey. I got to spend time with a far away friend (Sean!) and go to clubs that have not yet realized the sheer stupidity that is carpeting in a bar. I can’t even begin to imagine the volume of vomit absorbed into those babies. UK boys made me squirm; they were unbelievably “fit”… in all respects. Lentils, cheap vodka, Heart, shirtlessness, and poor quality air mattresses will also be remembered.


And that, my friends, brings me to the end of my European tale. I hope you learned nothing and everything at the same time.