Congrats on the nuptials

So you all probably know by now that I have a serious girl crush on Mandy Moore. Don’t ask me why, because I can give you no definitive answer. I just think she’s awesome. So it came to my attention while reading Jezebel the other day that she got married! And to whom you’re wondering?

RYAN FUCKING ADAMS!

Man! She’s just the luckiest bitch in the whole world! I’ll bet he sings her his pretty acoustic version of Wonderwall all the time.

Sigh.

Where’s my Ryan Adams?


















As a sidenote. I LOVE that she's taller than him. Even with flats on!

Managing your disappointment and surviving the post-graduate blues.

So I’m thinking I should probably write a self-help book. I had an idea for one a couple years ago, but I never really went through with it. It was intended to be more of a pessimistic view to life. For example, my first helpful tip was going to be “expect nothing out of situations and you’ll never be disappointed!” Sure, it sounds horribly depressing, but trust me, it’s not! Lets look at a couple examples.

For one: first dates. If you go into a first date expecting absolutely noting out of it, then even if it’s just moderately fun, you won’t be disappointed. Now, if you expect for it to go really well and are really optimistic about it, and it turns out to be, once again, only moderately fun, well, then you’re going to be really disappointed.

Another example: job interviews. You can’t go in expecting you’re going to get the job because then if you don’t you’re going to be, I repeat, disappointed! (Are we seeing a trend here?) Rather, if you go in expecting nothing, you’ll walk away unaffected. Now, I’m not telling you to expect the worst out of situations...I’m merely suggesting that you learn to expect nothing.

Obviously this is not a helpful tip for the majority of people who are “glass half full” type folk. But for people like me, who like to avoid the perils of disappointment, it’s a rule I try to live by.

But this is not what this post was destined to be about.

I decided yesterday I’d write a self-help book for lost university graduates. I even researched on Amazon to see if there were already a lot of these books, but to my surprise, it appears as though all the self-help books directed at my peer group are about how to succeed fiscally post-convocation. None of them were about how to deal with the sheer boredom you face without term papers and classes, or about just how lost you feel in the real world.

Though, I’m thinking I’m going to have to get myself through these post-graduate blues before I start throwing out advice to other sore losers. Though! I'm on the right track because come April 6th, I'm going to be officially employed at a 9 to 5 job, business casual clothes and all!

Though, if I started writing the book right now, chapter one would be still be something along the lines of:

“Save yourself the grief and disappointment…JUST FUCKING STAY IN SCHOOL!”

Nick fucking Carter is back.

Now lets get a few things straight here. I use to love the Backstreet Boys. Nay, I still love the Backstreet Boys. Nothing warms my heart more than “As Long As You Love Me” – and nothing makes me want bust out some rhymes like “Get Down” – we’re talking about serious classics here people! Nick, AJ, Brian, Howie, and regrettably Kevin, made songs that will forever be the soundtrack to my preteen years. Ah, what a beautiful time that was. Actually, it wasn’t. I was tall, lanky, and dare I say, a bit ugly. Thank god I grew out of that*!

*What I bet you’re now thinking: NO YOU DIDN’T! You’re still ugly! Hahahahah.

There, now you don’t have to think of that clever insult yourself. Look at me, such a fucking Samaritan.

Ok, back to Nick. So times were rough for BSB after the wonderful 90s left their side. They had to resort to having families or trying for solo careers. Nick decided on the latter, though he should have really just started performing on broadway (I hear that’s what all the washed up pop idols are doing these days). But apparently Nick just turned into a drug addict. Oh! What’s that? You didn’t know he was an addict?! Well neither did I, until I stumbled across this little video of him on Ellen:



Oh, and here's a better look at that nice little picture of him in People:











Like what the fuck Nick Carter? Where did those abs come from good sir? Maybe you’d like me to rub some oil on them??

ANYWAYS!

He’s always been the one that was on the verge of being fat, but now he’s kind of hot, and ripped, and I hate myself for having to say that. But really, HE WAS NEVER AN ADDICT! Sure, Aaron Carter was addicted to meth, but in all that time I never once heard that Nick was any kind of addict.

I’m calling a publicity stunt. He got hot and now he needs to play the sympathy card so he’s going to throw out this sad moronic story about his no good parents feeding him beer when he was two. Yea right Nick, you’re such a liar.

Just you wait. Give him 6 months and he’ll have a solo career, a clothing line, and a cameo on Extreme Makeover: Home Addition. Then he’ll yap non-stop about his fucking fake addiction and how it changed his life.

Puke.

What? Another post about your lack of career...

You know what would really spice up my life and my blogs…a really interesting job. Now I’m not talking about being an events planner for Alberta Arts or anything, because albeit that would be an interesting job for me, it wouldn’t be one that conjured stories. I want a job where ridiculous shit happens. Stories so good that when you come home from work and your darling significant other asks you how your day was, you can reply with some fascinating tale about incest and adultery instead of replying with the same old...

“well, omg, Sue was being such a whore today! I asked her to staple these timesheet documents and you know what she said to me... No! SHE SAID NO! WHAT A WHORE!”

But say you didn’t work as a receptionist and you worked instead as a counsellor at a high security prison, or a nurse at an insane asylum. You know how many amazing stories you’d have about people hurling fecal matter, or lunatics thinking they’re the saviour?? The answer is many… you’d have many.

The best part is... people actually want to hear those stories! People really like hearing about fucked up shit. Well, I like hearing about fucked up shit, so I’m assuming that everyone else does too. But really, we wouldn't have the news or 20/20 if people didn’t! People don’t care about Don the accountant that eats too many Snickers and smells potently like steak. They care about the crazy woman that's in love with a fence*, or the dude that killed his whole family while high on meth.

*Actually, there is a woman out there in love with a fence. My friend showed me this documentary the other day called “Married to the Eiffel Tower”, and it was about objectum sexuals which are people who fall in love with objects and have sexual and romantic relationships with them. No, seriously, I’m not even shitting you. This one woman was in love with the Eiffel tower, the Berlin wall, a fence and the golden gate bridge (clearly she’s a polygamist). It was seriously fucked up shit. Seriously.

If you feeling like spending 40 minutes being shocked and insanely disturbed then definitely watch it (the link is below). But I’m warning you: it’s highly unsettling; so don’t yell at me after you’ve watched it and been creeped out beyond all repair.

Seriously messed up shit. Part One.

I love cutting Barbie's hair off and making her a man.

This underemployed deal sucks. I thought that I’d be able to make the most of it and take my time to write my novella or make a film or read a few books, but instead I’ve used my time to watch an unnecessary amount of Felicity and bake… oh god do I ever bake. And then what do I do? I sit down and eat my calorie saturated creations. Which means I’m officially sad. I sit at home eating baked goods and watching 90s dramas about college life. If I keep this up I’m not only going to be a bored underemployed graduate, but I’ll be fat.

Maybe it all just comes down to the fact that I’m incredibly lazy. Most people would take this time and I don’t know, run a marathon or reorganize their house or volunteer, but I use my time to lament about my lack of career, my useless degree and my strange desire to overwork my oven. Seriously though, I’m even too lazy to post regularly on my blog!

And if you’re wondering, yes, I’m applying for jobs. I’m even applying for receptionist positions, which after working as a receptionist for a summer, I vowed to myself to never sink that low again. I really don’t want to be hired to be the bimbo at the front desk who wears a headset and answers the phone in a chipper, high pitched, “GOOD MORNING! (insert lame company name here). HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?...(pause)...ONE MOMENT PLEASE!!!"

God. I'm going to end up turning into one of these hussies...









"Look at my fantastic computer skills and the ficus behind me! It's also my job to water it! I'm so blessed in my career. Receptionist work is real rewarding!"











"CALL ME! hehe! Not only am I marginally competant at answering the phone, but I've been know to fellate to get ahead! No pun intended! heheheheh!"

**************

God help me.
(And by God help me I mean... God, find me a job!)

Because I’m bored and underemployed

Aren’t you excited?!* Here’s my “25 random things you might not know (an probably don’t care) about me list”!

*(You don’t actually have to be excited. I’m not really that excited about it. But here it is anyhow. Plus, because of my underemployment I have no funny adventures to speak of, so this will have to fill the void…)

1. I absolutely love Mandy Moore. I own almost every single movie she’s in and I can pretty much quote all of them by heart. It’s pathetic really, and I’m not really sure why I’m so infatuated with her. I think it’s because she’s tall.

2. I use to despise being so tall but now I’ve just learnt to embrace it. I actually think it’s one of my defining characteristics. “HI! I’m Nicole, and I’m tall!”

3. I wear Britney Spears perfume. I love smelling like a twat-exposing, awesome music making tainwreck. (I guess also, 3.5 would be that I really, really like Britney's music.)

4. I’m way too sensitive for my own good. I’ve been known to cry during commercials and Disney movies.

5. I’ve always wanted glasses but sadly I have the most acute vision ever. Like I’m talking shoe-in-entry-to-the-airforce quality vision.

6. I still don’t know my multiplications tables by heart. This embarrasses me more then it probably should.

7. I love the thought of being in love.

8. I have no clue what I want to do/be in life. Mostly, I just want to be happy.

9. I love hanging out with my family. They’re an insanely fun bunch of people.

10. I was popular once in my life. It was in grade 6.

11. I really want to go on the Real World. I'm curious as to which one of the archetypal characters I'd be.

12. I got in a fight once in grade 8. I beat up a boy who was in a grade below me, and who was also smaller than me. The next day his biker gang mom chased me down and threatened to kill me (literally). I said sorry but I have no remorse. Her kid was an asshat.

13. I try to avoid talking about my parents with people I don’t know so they never have the opportunity to ask me about where they are now.

14. I feel sorry for ugly babies and their parents. Mostly because they’re constantly being lied to… “ohhh, what a cute baby!”

15. I actually really enjoyed high school even though I was, by definition, unpopular.

16. I regret ever quitting piano lessons.

17. I lived in the same house for the first 19 years of my life. Leaving it was heartbreaking. Sometimes when I drive past it I’ll sit out in front of it and stare in to try and catch a glimpse of what it looks like now. It’s seriously creepy.

18. When I was a kid I was certain I was going to have 2 kids and name them Austin and Kerry.

19. I’ve recently discovered my love for avocadoes.

20. I tried being a vegetarian once after seeing this really horrific peta video. Unfortunately it only lasted a few weeks. Though, I still don’t eat veal.

21. I judge people I don't know more than I think is ordinary or healthy. I can’t stop though.

22. I lose a retarded amount of hair. When I’m in the shower I have to stick it to the wall to ensure it doesn’t clog the drain. I’m certain I could make at least 10 toupees a year with my rejected strands. Sometimes I wonder how I’m not bald.

23. I want/need a full time job desperately. Not only for the money, but to keep me from wasting away on my couch.

24. I've never seen a single Star Wars or Indiana Jones film. I know it's weird. I'm going to watch Star Wars soon though, I promise!

25. Getting blog comments makes me the happiest girl in the whole world!