Her name was Sharon. She was probably in her mid-30s and she loved, loved, LOVED to flash her titties about. This is actually how we met Sharon. I’m not really sure how it all came to be, but all I remember hearing was, “OH SHIT, she just flashed us!” For some reason Sharon ended up sitting at our table and I knew right then that she was the type of person great episodes of intervention were made of.
“My name is Sharon. S-H-A-R-O-N. And I’m an addict.”
I then became so infatuated with getting to know what Sharon was all about that I risked my safety and hygiene to do so.
Me: “Are you from Fernie, Sharon?”
Sharon: “Can I tell you ssssomething? I had to get away. I had to get away from all the dope, so now I’m here and I’m fucking working at boston pizza. SssssHhhh! Don’t tell anyone! And I use to live in the motel, but fucking tonight, I’m just going to sleep in a bush!”
She also pulled out the classic addicts line, “this is the first time I’ve been fucked up in months, is that too much to ask?! To get drunk just this once?!”
Right Sharon. Stop kidding yourself; you’ve been drunk since birth.
This was it. Sharon was going to be the story of the fucking night and I knew it. It was one of those, “this is SO going in my blog!” moments… which meant I had to find out more. Luckily, she thought I was “sincere and beautiful” so she freely disclosed the depths of her personal struggles to me. She told me about where she grew up, her time on the streets, her time in jail, and her gang involvement. She was a goddamn train wreck and I was front and fucking centre to watch the show. After unveiling all her deepest secrets and then trying desperately to kiss me, she moved forward over my lap and this is when it happened…the climax of the story…HER FUCKING TOOTH FELL OUT. And can you guess where it landed. That’s right! ON MY FUCKING LAP! I didn’t really get what was going on, but in the haze I looked up at Sharon with one tooth missing and she chuckled, picked up her fallen tooth and exclaimed, “HARHAR! My tooth fell OUT!” She then proceeded to jam it back it to her gums like nothing ever happened.
Fucking brilliant.
After the tooth incident, things proceeded to go downhill for Sharon… but uphill for my entertainment. She thought it necessary to open her top and flash her boobs yet again. (Below is a brilliant photo taken RIGHT after she exposed herself.)
This time, however, she wasn’t so discrete. The bouncer of the bar came over in a fiery rage and told her she was kicked out. This did not please Sharon. She started yelling and then threw up her leg in a rage, stating to me that she was going to “round house kick this fucker to the face.”
Man, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
The bouncer tried everything to get her to leave but she was a crazy, angry bitch that just wouldn’t give in. Sharon was right pissed by this time and you could see her prison learnt anger building. She asked me if she looked like she was controlling her anger well. Clearly she wasn’t, but to avoid getting round house kicked in the face by a meth addict, I suggested to her that that she was definitely controlling it, and quite well in fact.
After about 8 minutes of this back and forth unbearable tension, Sharon finally left the bar.
Later that night I stopped the bouncer and asked him what had happened to the beloved Sharon, and with an obvious disgust he proclaimed, “I sent her to jail!”
Poor Sharon. The cycle continues. And even though she probably doesn’t remember a thing from that night, I do, and I plan on holding it with me forever. But really, how often can you say that a meth addict lost her rotting tooth in your lap???
Yea, that’s what I thought.
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