Your angst needs proper syntax.

HOLY SHIT. I’ve just come across the single worst group of people in existence. I decided to sign up for one of those playlist things you put on your facebook, so I’m going to sign in and at the bottom there are pictures of people that already have playlists. This one girl intrigued me so I clicked on her. Firstly her name was “x_emo_boy_lov_x” and her picture was absurd, I can’t even describe the utter emo-ness of it. I tried to copy it on here, but it wouldn’t work. So I went to her page, and low and behold I entered I world to which I’d wish I never had.

First, let’s read her bio…

“i‘m so lonley.
i have a boyfriend, but he is always gone,
so i cant ever see him.
i hate going to school.
i am always left out.
its not easy having two friends thast ignore you for eachother.
i am always in the shadows.
my homelife is unbarable.
IT SUX ASS!
man do i get treated like shit.
i am emo...please dont judge.
and yes i cut my wrists the other night, but thats not
the only reason that i am emo.
my only escape is my music.
i love music. it is my life.
there isnt really anything interesting in my life.
well, i think you get the point.
my life sux and that is all there is to it.”

FUCK. This shit is GOLD. Solid. Fucking. Gold. This girl is one of a kind. I’m sorry, I hate to be mean, but seriously this is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever read. I laughed hysterically for a good 15 minutes about it. I think my favourite line is “i am emo...please dont judge. and yes i cut my wrists the other night, but thats not the only reason that i am emo.” Poor girl, suffering through all the trials and tribulations that every single fucking teenager faces. Get a grip honey, and a life, and stop vying for attention.

Seriously I had no idea these kids still existed. They do though, in mass, despicable quantities. I was so interested in this small girl that I decided to check out her “buddies” and low and behold I found SO much good shit.


First we have this boy, he’s 16 and wearing no shirt in his profile picture. His name is “Daviee loves Chelsea”

Here’s what his bio had to say:

“I LOVE EVERY SINGLE 1 OF U THAT ACTUALLY LOVE ME 4 WHO I AM NOT CUZ I'M HOTT!BUT I LOVE U GUYS!!!!!!!N I HOPE THE BEST 4 ALL OF U GUYS! N CHELSEA I WAS'NT CHEATING U COULD ASK ANY1 U WANT!I KNOW I DID'NT BUT IS NOT LIKE U BLIVE ME RIGHT?BUT I WANNA WISH U THE BEST IN THE WORLD N IF I EVER HURT U IN ANYWAY I'M SRRY I LOVE U N ALWAYS WILL U STIL MEAN THE WORLD 2 ME N AFTER ALL THIS IM GOING BACK 2 DRUGS!SO...I'LL DIE PRETTY SONE SO I'M NOT GOING 2 MAKE UR LIFE A PIECE OF SHIT DON'T WORRY!WELL U HAVE A HAPPY LIFE LOVE U!BABy!”

Just because you’re “sad” doesn’t give you permission to use improper spelling. And do you seriously have a penis? Because judging by this pathetic declaration I’m guessing you lost it, along with your ability to be coherent. Also, why the fuck are you wearing your heart in your bio?! No one fucking cares that you did drugs and that you’re not going back. Nor do they care that you cheated on your internet girlfriend, and that you’re going to die “sone”…god, I can only hope this is an avowal of suicidal intentions. How much fucking attention do you need?!

So his girlfriend, the one he didn’t cheat on, she left him this endearing post:

“heyllo lovey!! ^-^ i writed a poem...its kinda deppressing...=| ubt its still perty good... i posted it on my blogs under ~LOVE+HATE~ yup...lolz LOV YOOH!!!”

Ok, first of all little one, you “writed” a poem?? What are you, 3?! I’m just certain it’s the fault of the government for allowing these kids to spell like chimpanzees. “LOV YOOH” Holy shit. I’m going to assist these children in slitting their wrists because by the time you’re 17 you should stop talking like a retarded fuck.

Just wait though, the girlfriend gets even better…

Her bio:

“OH MI GAWD!!!!!! frenchtoast raped you....o.o
Im 16 and yes im emo.
IM IN LOVE WIT SUMONE!!!! waffles.....o.o
I LOVE Hello Kitty, she is emo! lol. dont make fun of me she is a cute emo kitty and she is awesome! Hello Kitty rox yur sox off!”

First of all, Hello kitty is not emo, she’s asian, and secondly, jump off a ladder and minimally injure yourself. Maybe a little pain will be your answer to life’s most basic queries.

I’ve never wanted to hurt a group of innocent youngsters like I do right now. I cannot believe people actually talk/write like this. My heart hurts thinking how horribly they are destroying the English language with their god-forsaken slang. I don’t know if you can even call it slang.

I spent a good solid hour going through different kids profiles and they were all the same shit. At first I though, maybe it’s just a joke, no one’s actually like this…right? But no, no, they really are like this, and there is a whole community of them out there just waiting to slit their wrist and spell improperly. The saddest part is that most of the kids I found were from Canada.

So I thought 15 year old emo kids were bad. No, there are worse… 37 year old Chris Brown fans...

“DIS B YA GURL KRYSTAL A.K.A LA LOCA B.K.A SEXY RICAN. REPIIN DA HAVEN ALL DA ER-DAY.IM HALF PUERTO RICAN AND HALF CUBAN IM ALSO PART MEXICAN.OOOOOO YEA TO ALL DA HATAZ OUT IN DA WORLD DAT BE HATIN ON ME N MY HOMEGURLN OR MY HOMEBOYZ FALL BACK AND KEEP HATIN WE ARE LOVIN DA ATTENTION YALL ARE OUR BIGGEST FANS.YALL TALK SHIT AND CAN'T BACK WAT YALL SAID ^ BUT ME N MY GURLZ ALWAYS SAY WAT CUMS 2 MIND AND WE COULD BACK ER-THING UP.WE HAVE EACH OTHAZ BACK EXSPECIALLY MIS CHOLAS I LUV DEM 2 DEATH.WELL DATS WAT I HAVE 2 SAY 2 ALL MY HATAZ OUT DURR IN DIS WORLD”

***Nothing was edited or changed. I solely copied and pasted. I’m sorry to anyone I stole writing from. Yes, this is most certainly a violation of FOIP, but you put it out there for the world to see, and I saw it, and therefore stole it. If you’d like to speak with me regarding your stolen words, message me, but please for the love of god use vowels, punctuation, and a dictionary. Otherwise I’ll just laugh at you, and post your email, so your stupidity can once again shine.

Na na na na na hey hey, carry me away.

I was bored again at work today. What a fucking surprise. You know all those stats that study office workers and find out how much time they waste on the internet? Well I’m presumably on the very end of that bell curve, because I literally spend 9 out of the 10.5 hours I work on the internet...doing nothing. The best part though is the fact that it is what I’m suppose to do. I'm paid to sit here, look nice, say hello, and fuck around on the internet. All. Day. Long. Today though, I ventured beyond my usual blogs and frivolous searching; I decided to read a book. I managed to read all of Into the Wild, which was riveting until the author decided to become all self involved and devote a few chapters to his own unscrupulous journey in Alaska. No one cares though, because clearly you didn’t die, which makes your story less tragic, and therefore, just boring.

Then I watched Gossip Girl, and let me tell you, it made me ten fold more excited for New York! Jesus. I can't stress enough how amazing teen dramas are. They suck you in and take this hold over you to which you’re unable to relinquish. This then lead me to start thinking about forgotten 90's teen sitcoms.

Exhibit A. Breaker High.



This was one of my favourite shows as a youngster. I remember they re-aired all the episodes one summer, I think I may have still been in high school, but ever night at 11 I’d turn on YTV and re-live the brilliance. You don’t know how often I dreamed about being on a cruise ship for high school. I’m just certain Ryan Gosling would have gone no where without this show.

Exhibit B. Student Bodies.



Kooky drawings and newsroom antics. Nothing else needs to be said.

Exhibit C. Hang Time.



I hope I'm not the only one who remembers this show. It was on Sunday mornings. The girl was on the guys basketball team I believe. She was fly.

Exhibit C. City Guys.



A black guy, a white guy, and the ties that bond them. These two were always just traipsing around the city getting into all sorts of crazy shenanigans.

Exhibit D. Step by Step.



Suzanne fucking Somers.

Seriously, I can’t stress it enough, the 90’s were amazing! Between YTV and TGIF, I don’t think television has had a better moment in history.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend.

There are a slew of movies I want to see, but alas, no one to see them with. I'm going to have to find a movie going friend, where we can solely be friends that attend movies together and then talk about them after. If anyone requires this kind of friendship, and would like to take me up on my offer to be your movie going friend, please contact me. Unless we've already attempted to be friends, and it didn't work out, then don't bother.

Maybe though, I’ll just end up going myself. The one thing I dislike about going to movies alone though is my sob fests. I tend to cry whilst watching pretty much anything, even if it has a ridiculously happy ending, I’ll cry because I’m happy for the characters. I'm a real nut bag sometimes. For example, I watched stranger than fiction while in Vancouver, and that movie killed me, I cried through the whole thing, and even though the ending turned out happy, I still cried. The people I was watching it with were, luckily, my friends, so they didn’t judge me for my outburst, but I fear if a stranger saw me in the theatre, all alone in the corner drenched in my own tears, they'd think I’m a head case with emotional problems. Then they'll go and tell their friends and anyone who'll listen about the crazy girl at the theatre who wouldn't stop crying. Now, granted, my crying does sound a little nutty, but I’m sensitive! I have too much empathy for fictional characters. I just can't help it. Now I’m exaggerating when I say I cry at EVERY movie, cause it's usually about 1 in 3. With Dawson’s Creek episodes, it’s about 1 in 2.

Next, I want to see Juno.

To Call for Hands of Above

My Christmas spirit is beginning to dwindle. I hate shopping malls and shopping people, and their persistent need to touch you unexpectedly. I’d be a much better person if the woman in superstore today didn’t feel the need to lean over me and cordially place her snatch in my face while I was deliberating which littlest pet shop playhouse looked least like a choking hazard. God. Well on a better note I leave in 5 days! This is not without much panic though, as I’ve not shopped, packed, wrapped, laundered, or bathed. Though, I’m certain this can be remedied by Wal-Mart’s special 24 hour Christmas hours! Fuck, you don’t know how excited I am to go and purchase my family some low-price useless goods made by a poor fingerless leper child in Asia. SCORE!

PS. I'm in love with this cover.