William Shatner hates hockey too.

I’m not certain what it is about sports that brings out the douche bag in everyone. I didn’t watch the game last night, nor was I really even aware they were playing a game…the Flames that is. I did however find out they won, and not because I inquired, I was just awoken from my post-work, pre-paper writing nap by people that felt the need to honk directly outside my apartment building. Good thing it was cold out, because it subdued the besotted fans from taking over the streets in their corresponding jerseys, yelling profanities, and showing their genitals. Not to mention the honking. Seriously people, honk once, twice, a few times even… I’ll deal, but don’t park your car outside my apartment and lay on your horn for 5 minutes straight… that’s just annoying. Also, don’t rig your car with some high performance horn that belts out the hockey theme song continuously. (Side note: I’m inclined to think that a hockey theme song does not actually exists, but let’s just pretend for arguments sake.)

Furthermore, why do you need 7 games to decide the winner of a series? How about you just play one game like every other sport on this fucking continent…fine, ok, baseball I think has best of 7…and maybe basketball…but I hate those too…so there! Sports are so self-righteous. 1 game works fine for football, and soccer, why can’t it work for you, hockey, baseball and basketball?? The Superbowl comes down to one game, and it’s significantly more epic than watching 7 games. I can just picture the various affluent, elderly sport league owners sitting around and contemplating how they could milk this sucker dry:

“Let’s make it 7 games not just 1!”
“That’s genius! Then people have to buy tickets to at least 4 games, and that’s another 4 plates of Nachos, and at least another 64 beers they’ll need to consume. Because we all know watching sports is only entertaining whilst inebriated”
“JUST THINK OF THE PROFIT!”

Then there’s the red mile. Could you be any more retarded Calgary? Well you could I guess, you could be Edmonton and make up other shitty coloured miles when you have an even less talented team. I think the whole red mile thing is massive propaganda for the city to try and prove to the country our awesomeness. Meanwhile Vancouver and Toronto just laugh at our boring, ugly face. You can’t claim to be awesome if your team loses and your city is vapid wasteland of oil swindlers and boring people. I’d be surprised if the Flames even make it through this series, but if they do I’ll be sure to devise a plan involving balloons, fowl liquid like substances, and my 13th floor balcony. Watch out belligerent hockey fans…I’ll get you!

On another side note, Cowboy’s is opening again, and it’s far to close to my apartment. It’s just going to add fuel to the already massive fire of douche bags infesting our lands. Though, this might aid in peeling the baby prostitutes away from the repulik, which would be nice. Though, you know, I think I might just get a job at cowboys and anticipate the day when they offer me surgically enhanced cleavage and a gold studded cowboy hat!

Stay tuned for a long list of the reasons why I loathe cowboys with an unwavering passion.